The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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