I just threw up on my dentist
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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