when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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