i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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