i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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