I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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