we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
