guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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