I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
