dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
