saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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