3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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