I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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