ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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