Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
