So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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