oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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