i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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