Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
