Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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