Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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