Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
