What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
