Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
