my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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