My sheets look like a crime scene.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
