Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
