I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
