you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
