My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
