did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
