I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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