It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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