There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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