we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
