Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
