do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
