my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
