Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
