We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
