Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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