We're like a lot better than the average bears
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
