any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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