If you die in college, do you die in real life?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
