Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
