Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
