i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
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We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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