i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
