I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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