He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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