so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
