hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
