i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
